so i love you because i know no other way
by airbefore
Summary: "I needed something to lose myself in. A place to hide." She lifts her head, looks up at him. "I don't want to define myself by the things that I've lost anymore, Castle. I don't want to hide."


_Another reupload of an old story. This was my original post-Always contribution. There are a lot of things I'd change about it now but I'm posting it with only light editing because I think it was a bit of a milestone story for me and I don't want to alter it too heavily. _

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She's comfortable in the circle of his arms, her body relaxed and pliable. Soft fingers and lips dance along his jaw, feathering caresses that fill his chest with a tentative hope. Rain drips slowly from the matted tips of her hair, leaving a halo of darkened fibers on the rug.

"You're shivering."

A smile shimmers across her lips, crinkling the corners of her eyes. He's struck by the desire to kiss that grin, to taste her delight. Realizing that he can do that now, that he no longer has to deny himself, he leans in and presses his mouth against hers. Lets the warmth of her kiss wash over him, sloughing away the layers of pain and frustration that have clung to him like a second skin for the better part of two years.

"You were doing a pretty good job of warming me up, Castle," she hums against his lips, a contented sound that settles over the room, insulating them. Protecting this fragile moment from the storm lashing at his windows.

Castle ghosts his hands over her skin, collecting errant drops of rain under the pads of his fingers. Doubt swirls in the back of his mind but he can't stop touching her. Not now. Not when he's finally allowed to show her how he feels, to put his love on display. She shivers against him again as he drags his palms down her biceps, pushing her sodden jacket off, letting it fall in a wet heap on the floor. Curling his fingers into the soft flesh at the bend of her elbow, he turns her around and pulls her back firmly up against his chest, starts to walk toward his bedroom, his large feet shuffling wide on either side of hers.

Kate drops her head to rest on his shoulder, the back of her skull fitting snugly into the curve of his neck. Tender fingers traipse across his forearms, tracing the muscles and tendons that flex under his skin, the mechanics of his hold on her.

"Where're we going?"

"To get you warm," he murmurs, lips pressed to her temple as they cross the threshold to his bedroom. The room is dark, the faint light filtering in from his office casting long, undulating shadows across the walls. She looks at him from the corner of her eye, lips pulled up in a graceful curve.

"Bed's over there," she says, jutting her chin in the direction of his unmade bed, the sheets and comforter a dark, tangled mass across the foot. There's a teasing lightness in her voice that he hasn't heard in months and he leans into it, lets it pull him forward.

"Your powers of observation never cease to amaze, Beckett," he tosses back, pushing her ahead of him.

Kate flinches when he flips the switch in the bathroom, screws her eyes shut to block out the harsh overhead light. He steps around in front of her and studies her face, the compact fluorescent bulb bringing her features into sharp relief. A bruise blooms across her cheek; bags, dark and deep, sag under her eyes. He turns the dial on the dimmer, bringing the light down to a mellow glow, before trailing the pads of his fingers lightly across her bruised cheek. She's beautiful and she's here and he needs to know _why._

"Tell me what happened."

It's neither question nor demand. Just a simple request, spoken clearly into the still air of the bathroom, his words bouncing off the tiles, echoing sharply around them.

Her eyes slide open and he finds himself amazed at the naked honesty in her gaze. He's never seen her this open, unguarded. She laces their fingers, palm to palm, brings their linked hands to her chest.

"I already did. He got away and I didn't care." She presses light kisses to his knuckles between words and he feels the nagging doubts begin to fade, the white banner of hope slowly unfurling in his chest.

"I was certain that I was about to die, Castle, and my only regret was _you_. Not telling you how I feel, never giving us a real chance." Kate looks up at him with clear eyes, her voice strong and steady. "I was hanging on by two fingers and all I could think was that I didn't want it to end like that. I didn't want to die and leave you to think that you weren't enough. That you were less than everything to me."

The weight of her confession presses down on his chest, sends his heart into a stuttering arrhythmia. Castle uses their joined hands to pull her forward, needing to feel her close. She comes willingly; lets him gather her up, crush her slender, shivering body to his chest. Her hands clutch at his back, fingers twisting in the tail of his dress shirt.

"I heard your voice," she whispers, lips skimming across his neck. "When Ryan grabbed me, I thought it was you. I thought you had somehow figured it out and come for me." She presses her forehead against his jaw, breath flowing softly over his throat. "I wanted it to be you."

Castle brings a hand up to cradle her neck where he can feel her pulse thumping - constant, unfaltering, _alive_ - against his palm, each beat pushing relief through his own veins. His eyes burn with the pressure of unshed tears and he isn't entirely sure whether they're for what he'd almost lost or what he's just gained.

Leaning back, Kate caresses his cheek with one hand, the other sliding under the loose material of his shirt, cold fingers coming to rest against his lower back. She's looking at him with so much feeling, so much honesty and love shining in her eyes, and he wants her to never stop.

"How did it happen?"

"It's not important, Castle. Not anymore."

He searches her face, finds no trace of evasion or avoidance. She's free, no longer haunted - hunted - by the ghosts of her past. He sighs, hating himself a little for needing answers.

"I just..." Castle rests his forehead against hers, runs his thumb along the sharp line of her jaw. "I need to know."

She pats him gently with the fingers still resting at his cheek before sliding her hand down to his chest, palm coming to rest over his heart. "You're sure?"

He nods, not trusting himself to speak. He doesn't want to know, not really. He _has_ to.

"Okay. Ryan and Esposito found his rental car and cover ID. I took Espo with me to canvass and we found the room he was renting."

Castle dips his fingers under the hem of her camisole as she speaks, pulling the wet fabric away from her skin. Her breath catches when he starts to push the sodden material up, skating his fingers lightly over her sides. They both hesitate when he drags his fingertips across the scar on her ribs. He rubs his thumb lightly over the thin line, a soothing balm for a long healed wound, and leans in to steal a quick kiss before swiftly pulling the camisole up and over her head. She raises a brow at him as he slides the shirt down her arms and tosses it into the sink.

"I can undress myself, Castle," she laughs, watching him bend down to unlace her boots. Her hand comes to his shoulder for balance when he picks up her left ankle and starts to tug the waterlogged boot from her foot.

"I know," he grins up at her before returning his attention to her feet. "Go on."

He pries off her other boot and she resumes her story, telling him how Maddox got the drop on her, how she chased him to the roof, fought with him. Castle's eyes drift across her torso, the skin already mottled and bruising. He pops the button on her jeans and tugs, smothering a grin when she stumbles over her words as he drags his fingers slowly down her legs.

" - I fell off the side, caught myself on the ledge."

His eyes snap to hers, blind panic rising in his chest, constricting his throat. He jerks himself up, wobbling on unsteady legs as his mind races.

She fell off a building.

Wrapping his hands around her shoulders, Castle drops his chin to his chest and takes deep, heaving breaths, trying in vain to calm his suddenly racing heart. His head spins at the mental image - Kate bouncing against the rough bricks, hanging on by two fingers. Slipping. Falling. Her body broken and bloodied on the pavement.

Kate steps into him, the moist heat of her body pressing in on his panic, pushing it down. Soft but firm hands frame his face, gently pulling his head up, her eyes seeking his. He locks onto her gaze as slender fingers caress his face, her thumb dragging slowly across his lips. She pushes up on her toes and brings her mouth to his; her kiss soft and open. Reassuring. His world narrows until all he can feel is her mouth brushing his, her tongue sliding along the bow of his bottom lip.

She moans softly when his hands start to drift over her, mapping the contours of her shoulders and back. Castle pulls her closer with one hand at the base of her spine, fingertips grazing the lace covered swell of her ass. His other hand winds through her damp hair, tugging, tilting her head back.

Kate's hands slide to his chest, fingers quickly releasing the buttons of his shirt. She pushes at the fabric, tries to slide it down his arms, but he won't - can't - relinquish his hold on her. He needs to feel her pressed to him, the quiver of her muscles under his hands, the pounding of her pulse under his lips. The shirt catches around his elbows, pulled taut across his back, as he steps backward, pulling them both closer to the dark cave of his shower.

Tearing one hand away from her body, he reaches blindly into the shower, groping for the controls. Nails scrape down his chest sending ripples of heat skipping across his nerves, leaving him tingling. Kate drags her mouth across his shoulder, nipping and licking at his flushed skin.

Steam presses down on them, an oppressive but welcome heat that makes her body deliciously slick under his hands. Castle skims his palms up her sides, letting his thumbs brush softly against the swell of her breasts before dragging his hands around to the clasp at her back. The metal hooks are cold under his fingers and he pulls back to watch, to finally see her revealed to him. She sucks her bottom lip in as his eyes hungrily roam across her body, committing every dip and curve to memory.

"Gorgeous," he whispers, dropping his mouth to her breasts. She arches into him, fingers tangling in his hair, his name a whisper on her lips.

He tightens his grip on her hips and feels her flinch slightly. Pulling his mouth away from her breast, Castle gazes down the long line of her torso, eyes cruising over the bruises blossoming across her pale skin. He drops to a crouch and traces his fingers around the largest contusion, mapping the borders; it spans one side of her stomach, the blood already pooling in various shades of blue. He presses a kiss to the center, feels her shiver under his lips. Castles looks up to see her eyes sliding closed as he repeats the process, applying gentle kisses to all the visible marks he finds scattered across her abdomen. Healing her the only way he can.

He drags his fingers slowly down her stomach, watches the muscles tense and ripple under his touch. Hooking his fingertips in the waistband of her underwear, he pulls the scrap of fabric down, his lips sliding along her thighs in the wake of his hands. She steps out of the circle of lace and smiles down at him, eyes dancing. She's standing before him, gloriously naked, and he's rooted to the spot, struck dumb by the sight of her.

"You okay, Castle?" An infectious smile spreads over her face and he's really not sure how much more of this he can take before his heart explodes, ripping his chest open and spilling his joy across the tiles at her feet.

"You have no idea how okay I am," he grunts as he stands and wraps his arms firmly around her waist. He kisses her softly, slowly, reveling in the moment. Her hands skim around his sides, fingers plucking at his waist before meeting in the middle and setting to work on the button of his slacks.

Kate pushes his pants and boxers down, running her hands deliberately over his ass, scraping at his skin with her nails. He tightens his arms around her waist, pulling her body flush to his, both groaning at the contact. Castle turns them, skin on skin, bodies molded around one another, and walks her backward into the shower, stopping in the middle of the cavernous stall. The warm water rushes down over them as he attacks her with his lips and teeth.

"What happened after the roof?" He mumbles the question into her shoulder, not willing to remove his mouth from her long enough to ask it properly.

"Gates called us out. Suspended Espo." She presses hot open mouthed kisses against the curve of his neck between words, biting at the muscles and tendons, sucking the water from his skin.

"What about you?"

Kate pulls back to meet his gaze. Weariness plays in the shadows of her face as she takes a deep breath. "I resigned." Her words are soft but strong, spoken on a heavy exhale.

He looks down at her , a dozen different questions flying through his head. Finally, he picks the one whose answer matters to him the most. "Are you okay with that?"

"Yeah, I am." She drops her head, resting her cheek against his chest. "I always told myself that I became a cop to find justice for my mom, for other victims and their families. But I don't think that's the truth. Not the whole truth, at least."

Castle rubs small circles across her back, waits for her to continue. Knows she will when she's ready.

"I needed something to lose myself in. A place to hide." She lifts her head, looks up at him. "I don't want to define myself by the things that I've lost anymore, Castle. I don't want to hide."

Castle presses his lips to hers, lightly caressing her jaw with the tips of his fingers. "You don't have to give it up," he murmurs, moving his mouth her cheek, kissing his way down to her neck. "You love your job and you're good at it. Amazing, actually."

"I don't know if I can do it and not lose myself again. And that's not a risk I'm willing to take." She taps her fingers on his chest, over his heart. "Not now."

"You can be whole and still be a detective, Kate. They aren't mutually exclusive." He knows what she's scared of. He's afraid of it himself. But he doesn't want to live in fear anymore either. If she's stepping out into the light, he's damn sure going to follow. "We can do it together."

"I know." She smiles, slow and seductive, and he feels his heart start to gallop. "Can we talk about this later, though? I really want this - tonight - to be about us. For once," she drags her fingers across his lips, "just _us_."

Castle crowds her back, pushing her up against the tile, and takes her mouth, biting and sucking with a fervor he can't completely control. He laces their fingers together, pressing the backs of her hands into the wall on either side of her head, explores the pale column of her neck with his tongue and teeth. Kate moans when he bites down on her collarbone, turning her head to return the favor at the soft flesh of his wrist.

Her body slides against his as she lifts one leg and wraprs it around his thigh, her foot flexing against the back of his calf. Castle releases her hands, overwhelmed by the need to touch her. His hands roam her body; traveling from hips to breasts, skating back down to cup her ass, drifting up to trace her face and curl in her hair. He wants to touch her everywhere at once, wants to feel her come apart over and over again.

"I don't want to do this standing up," she pants, moaning on the last syllable when he bites down on her nipple. "Not this time, anyway." She licks the shell of his ear, chuckles as he shudders against her.

Castle shuts off the water, leads her out of the shower by her fingertips. Pulling a towel from the linen closet, he starts to dry her body. He expects her to rebuff him, to tell him that she can dry herself but she just smiles as he runs the soft terry cloth over her skin, closing her eyes and swaying a little on the spot. He dries her thoroughly, methodically. Her hands draw random patterns in the water drying on his skin, face a reflection of contentment.

Kate opens her eyes when he stops, pushing up on her toes to lightly kiss him as she pulls the towel from his hands. She runs it across his body with the the same careful reverence, dropping the towel on the counter when she finishes. Castle twines their fingers together and walks them back to the bedroom, her shoulder bumping against his back. Rain pounds violently against the windows and he finds something poetic in it, the chaos of the storm contrasted against the quiet peace they've finally managed to find within one another.

Castle reaches the bed and sits on the edge, pulling her forward to stand in the vee of his legs. He trails kisses along her abdomen, palms skating slowly up and down the backs of her thighs as she runs her fingers through his hair. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he cants his head forward and rests his cheek against her stomach, enjoying the sensation of her hands on his scalp. It's a simple touch, almost absent minded, and he wants to feel it every day for the rest of his life.

Kate's hands drift away from his hair, move to explore his neck and shoulders, the pads of her fingers occasionally giving way to the sharp bite of her nails. Castle moves back, pulling her up onto the bed, and she pushes herself against him, body warm and malleable under his hands. He leans into her, pressing her down into the mattress and again lays claim to her mouth.

His lips and hands explore her freely, learning the topography of her, drawing a legend of feelings and sounds across her skin. He smudgesher lines with his lips, sinks his teeth into her curves, trips his fingers across the rolling plains of her body. Her hands travel restlessly, wandering across his ribs and chest, running up and down his back, grazing his thighs and ass. She marks him, stakes her claim on his flesh with nips and scratches. Their movements are slow and easy, thorough explorations of long forbidden territories.

Castle leans back, propping himself up on an elbow, and dips a finger into the hollow of her throat, swiping at the beads of hot sweat sliding across her skin. He drags the moisture down, painting a line through the valley of her breasts, bisecting the twitching muscles of her abdomen. Her hips arch off the bed when he diverts his path, swirling around her navel, tracing along the ridge of her hip before winding his way down her thigh.

She watches him with hooded eyes, skimming her fingers across his questing hand, up and down his forearm. Her legs drop open when his finger circles her knee, begins the long trip back across her inner thigh. He kisses her eyelids as they slide shut, a sigh pushing its way out of her throat. Slowly, deliberately, he pulls his fingers up her thigh, teasing her, brushing close then darting away until her fingers grip his wrist, stilling his movements.

"Touch me," she whimpers, turning her head into his shoulder, nipping at his neck. "Please, Castle."

The end of his name slides into a deep groan as he pries her apart, drags two fingers across her. She's hot and wet, her hips rolling in tiny circles under his probing fingers. His body burns where she's pressed against him, a long line of fire consuming his chest and arms.

Her hips buck when he slides his fingers inside of her and he feels her clamp down around him. Castle rolls his body onto hers, settles his hips between her legs, pins her to the mattress with his chest. Hands claw at his back as he pumps his fingers into her, trails sloppy kisses across her neck and breasts.

Cool air rushes between them when he bows away from her, dragging his mouth down her sternum. Kate wraps one leg high around his waist, her foot a delicious pressure against the small of his back as he slides down her body. She arches off the bed, the sheet clenched tightly in one hand, when he bites down on her inner thigh, sucking lightly at the sensitive skin.

He drags the flat of his tongue over her, flicking the tip against her clit, fingers still curling and pumping. Kate's hips buck and roll in earnest, one hand tangled almost painfully in his hair, holding him tightly against her. She chants his name like a mantra, the recitation broken by the occasional curse or moan. He sucks and bites at her, rolls his tongue, twists his fingers. She's falling apart around him, under him, and he never wants it to stop.

Castle runs his free hand across the sheet, pries the cotton out of her grasp and laces their fingers together. Releasing her grip on his head, she looks down her body at him and tenderly traces her fingers across his forehead, pushing the hair out of his eyes. He smiles against her and brings their joined hands to rest low on her stomach, his tongue and fingers still working feverishly.

Her eyes slam shut and her head drops back when her orgasm hits and he watches her body twitch, his name bursting from her lungs in broken fragments. She comes in waves, pleasure rising and cresting over and over, her body clenching and spasming around his fingers.

Kates tugs on the hand wrapped in hers, urges him up. He complies, moving up her body and bracing himself above her on his forearms. She kisses him viciously, her tongue searching for his, her teeth savage at his lips. He drops his weight slightly, lets himself press her more firmly into the mattress. She moans, scrapes her nails across the small of his back.

"If I ever tell you to shut up again," she pants between kisses, "you have my full permission to push me down on the nearest flat surface and remind me why I should have more respect for your mouth."

"Don't think I won't hold you to that," he laughs into her neck, tugging on her earlobe with his teeth.

"Looking forward to it," she says, her tongue running along his jaw.

Castle rolls to his back, pulling her with him, her body draped over his chest. Kate smiles down at him, the ends of her damp hair grazing across his cheeks. He cups her face with one hand, pulling her into a slow, heated kiss. She devastates him with her mouth as the pads of her fingers roam across his neck and chest, his skin burning with every touch. Her kisses are searing and frenetic but he can still taste hints of tenderness dancing on the tip of her tongue.

Kate braces her hands on his shoulders, hovering over him, her peaked nipples brushing across his chest. She grins wickedly as she pushes on his shoulders, sliding her body down the length of his. He groans out her name when she collides with his erection, her slick center slipping against the tip. His hands grasp her ass, palming her cheeks roughly, his hips thrusting of their own accord.

She sits up, knees wide on either side of his hips, her body glistening with sweat, illuminated in flashes by arcs of lightning. Castle watches, enthralled, as she takes him in hand, fingers wrapped firmly at his base, and rubs him slowly against her. His hands move from her ass to her hips, thumbs rubbing tight circles at the crease of her thighs.

"Kate," he says in a rough voice that leaves his throat raw and aching. She looks at him with wide eyes and he can feel her muscles contracting and releasing against his hips, under his hands. "Kate," he grunts out, fingers tensing on her hips, "Please -"

Eyes locked with his, she starts to sink down over him, slowly, torturously. He fights the urge to close his eyes, wants to - _has_ to - watch this. Has to commit every moment - the way she feels, hot and tight, sliding over him inch by inch, the look on her face as he fills her, the way she bites her lip and moans his name - to memory. When she's settled over him, her pelvis flush with his, Castle allows himself just a moment to close his eyes and glory in the feeling, revel in the knowledge that he is inside her, part of her.

Finally.

Kate rolls her hips and his eyes snap open, a low groan hanging in his throat. Fuck. She moves against him in earnest, hips lifting and rolling, thighs tensing. Grabbing his wrists, she tugs, urging him to move, to roam her skin. Castle takes her silent directions, lets his hands and fingers travel across her body, cupping her ass, rolling and pinching her nipples.

His gaze keeps drifting back to where their bodies are joined, mesmerized by the sight. Unable to resist any longer, Castle moves his hand between her legs, searching for her clit with two fingers. He rubs a slow circle, can feel himself against the back of his knuckles as she rocks over him.

Kate's head falls back, exposing the long line of her throat, and he's overwhelmed by the desperate need to press his lips it. Bending his knees slightly and wrapping one arm around her waist, Castle sits up, sifting her in his lap and dropping his mouth her neck.

Crying out, she wraps her arms around him, one clinging tightly to his shoulders, the other twining around his neck and head, her fingers gripping his hair. She looks at him and to passion in her eyes stuns him. It hits him in the chest, spreads through his veins, swamps his mind. She loves him. She hasn't said it yet but she doesn't need to. It's written across her face, etched onto her skin, carved into the the lines of her body. She loves him.

Castle kisses her, slow and deep, teasing her mouth with his tongue as they gently rock together in the middle of his bed. She's whimpering, her teeth digging into his bottom lip, her nails scraping against his back and scalp. He presses down firmly on her clit, drags his fingertips up her spine and wraps his fingers around the base of her neck, cradling her body.

"Let go." He bites at her collarbone, licks slowly up the pillar of her neck. Dipping his tongue into the hollow behind her ear, he whispers, "I love you, Kate. Just let go."

She groans his name and drops her forehead to his shoulder. Castle follows her with his mouth, pressing fiery, biting kisses to the curve of her neck. Shuddering in his arms, Kate's hips twist violently against his as her orgasm rolls through her body. She spasms around him, a searing, rippling pressure that pulls him over the edge, rips her name from his chest.

Castle collapses back on the bed, her limp, boneless body a welcome weight on his heaving chest. He splays his hands wide over her back, palms sliding over her sweat-soaked skin. Kate raises her head from his shoulder, smiles radiantly down at him. He brings a hand to her face, traces along her cheekbone with one finger.

"Hey," she says, a roughness in her voice that makes his stomach flip, sends shivers skittering down his spine.

He grins, kissing her tenderly. Wrapping his arms around her again, Castle rolls them to the side, slipping out of her. She huddles up against his chest, an arm resting over his hip, their legs tangled. Quietly, they hold each other and listen to the rain pour down, washing the city clean.

Kate shivers and he sits up, reaching for the covers tangled at the foot of the bed. She clutches at his sides, letting out a quiet groan, and Castle chuckles at her, grabbing the lumpy mass and tugging it up the bed, shaking it out as best he can. He settles the sheet and comforter over their legs before laying back down, Kate coming to rest on his shoulder immediately.

She whispers her lips across his chest and closes her eyes, sighing contentedly. Carefully, he drags his fingers through her tangled hair, trying to gently free the knots.

"How was the graduation?" Her voice is low, barely audible over the roll of thunder.

"Long but really good. Alexis' speech was beautiful." He closes his eyes for a moment, remembers his daughter's words about endings and solid ground. He tightens the arm wrapped around Kate's shoulder, presses his lips to her forehead.

"You cried, didn't you?" She's smiling into his skin, trying to suppress her laughter.

"You're damn right, I cried," he laughs, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Big, fat manly tears. My kid is leaving."

"She's not going far, Castle. You'll see her all the time."

"I promised I'd give her space." He tugs on the end of her hair as she scoffs at him. "Hey, I can do it. Plus," he tilts her head up with a finger under her chin, "you and I have about three years worth of catching up to do."

Kate smiles, pulls him down for a soft, sweet kiss. She sinks further into his chest, her body molded against his side, fingers tangled in his hair.

"So," he mumbles around her lips, "how are you at laser tag?"

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_Thanks for reading. Your thoughts and comments are always appreciated._


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